FIFTEEN

Basement, 115-117 Collins St
Melbourne VIC 3000

Well I have to say Fifteen has been the biggest disappointment of the year. I’ve been lucky enough to visit some great restaurants this year, and was really looking forward to eating there, as I’ve always been a big fan of Jamie Oliver, loved the concept of helping disadvantaged kids get ahead and the menu online also looked great.

The main thing that let this place down was the service. I don’t know if it was just our waiter, but he was terrible. Had clearly been hired for his looks and not his ability to wait tables! Getting anything at all out of this man (water, ordering food, more wine etc) was a challenge. And for a restaurant of that calibre we shouldn’t have even had to ask for anything.

My food was nice – nice, not great. My friend L had the risotto and it was foul. Probably one of the worst I’ve ever eaten! Gluggy rice, and no flavour whatsoever (except salt flavour). There’s no way the chef tasted it before it went out, no one in their right mind would have served that. And risotto is something I can make quite well at home myself, so there’s absolutely no excuse for doing it badly in a restaurant! It’s usually a safe bet for the same reason.

Give Fifteen a miss – there are loads of other, better places to choose from.

THE EUROPEAN

161 Spring St
Melbourne VIC 3000

Well this certainly is a nice little eatery. Tucked under the Supper Club/Siglo at the top end of town, the European is unassuming on the outside and from the inside makes you feel like you could be in Paris or Rome. Decor is romantic and cute, with a great international wine list!



Food is pretty top quality, with an emphasis on fresh produce. The buffalo mozzarella, tomato and basil entree was a definite standout. I had the fillet of kingfish with oyster and mussel escabeche, and yeah, it was pretty damn good. Fantastic escabeche I have to say. Everyone in our group enjoyed their meals, and they had a pretty good tira misu, something that is done so badly so often.


Unfortunately, our waiter was a rude, smug git. Which puts me off recommending this place to friends. We had some internationals in our group and when one of them failed to pronounce “crème brulee” correctly he laughed at her. It was so rude. Who cares if people don’t say things right, just fucking serve it you pompous arsehole! Rant over. Go there, but hope you don’t get the waiter I had!

GIN PALACE

10 Russell Pl
Melbourne VIC 3000

The Gin Palace was one of Melbourne original ‘laneway’ bars. It’s been cool, naff, then cool again. I like it. They make a mean martini and there’s no arguing with that. Couches are comfy and staff friendly. They have a limited selection of tasty nibbles but nothing too solid. The only complaint is I’m not sure it’s been updated since it first opened! Could use a touch-up. But otherwise get on down, nothing beats an old favourite.

CLUB RETRO

383 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Whoah. It’s been a while since I’ve seen so many bogans in one place (the ACDC concert probably, but that was a happy time when I was basking in the ‘glory days’ of the bogan, and therefore emphasising my bogan heritage)...Retro not so happy place. Although here I learned it’s official – the 90’s are retro now! That’s right, Salt N Pepa, En Vogue and Five are played along with your favourite hits from the 70’s, 80’s, and bizarrely, now. Although to be fair to today’s bogan they can’t possibly be expected to have to go more than 12 minutes without hearing “I Gotta Feeling” by David Guetta and the Black Eyed Peas. They may become enraged and start glassing folk.

I think the fact that they sell shakers of illusion is meant to be in line with the ‘retro’ theme, but it kind of creeped me out. And bizzarely, for no apparent reason, when I got in there I went to the bar and WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ordered a watermelon breezer. WEIRD.

Anyway, I was there on a Saturday night for a friend’s birthday and I did actually have a good time dancing to shit music. It needs to be done every now and again. Really, it does! Oh and they have a multi-coloured, flashing light squares dance floor. I know I’m supposed to think that’s naff...but I thought it was cool, in a naff way.

So anyway at places like Retro lurks the predatory cashed up bogan. Having no idea how to actually have a conversation with a female of the species, the Bogan loiters around the area where there are dancing ladies, presumably in case one of them decides to show him their tits (because that happens all the time, you know). So yeah this group was hanging around for what seemed like hours.......not getting that “I’m ignoring you because I’m not interested!!” You see I was dancing with my friends, generally enjoying their company and having a good time when on my way back from the bar, one of them decides what I really want is a nice slap on the arse. As I’m standing there, contemplating this man’s actions, he does it again! I reacted. Swiftly. And kicked him really hard. In the balls. Needless to say I think he might have got the subtle hint that I wasn’t interested. And maybe he’ll think twice before he does it again.

LALA LAND - CITY

1/391 Little Lonsdale St, Melbourne 3000
Ph (03) 9670 5011


Hmmm not as cute as the Windsor LaLa Land, the city one brings a different vibe. As they don’t do food they let you order pizzas in which feels a bit old school. I worked in a pub once that was like that. But yeah comfy couches, OK wine list, oh and it’s in a laneway. That should buy it some cred surely?

CARLTON CLUB HOTEL

193 Bourke St

Melbourne Vic 3000

Ph (03) 9663 3246

The Carlton Club Hotel is a cute space on Bourke St. The main bar and dining area has a cute fit-out, creepy taxidermy aside. And this place kills it in summer with a terrace AND a rooftop bar (Carlton Palmz). Monday nights sees half price food. So if you have a early week dinner scheduled, cruise in to the Carlton for some cheap tasty eats! Friday night drinks are pretty busy so get here early. Great place, definitely recommended.

MAHA

After the wonderful experience I had at Hellenic Republic earlier this year of course I was keen to try another of the jewels in the crown of the Calombaris empire, Maha. Situated off Flinders Lane, Maha has a more sophisticated feel than the laid-back vibe of Hellenic Republic.

I was dining again with two of my loveliest female friends, and we opted for a 5 course banquet. First off, one of the things I love about the place was that we didn’t have to spend any time at all mulling over the menu, we just ordered the banquet, gave our dietary requirements, and sat back and watched the delicious food start rolling out of the kitchen and onto our table!

Each ‘course’ was a banquet in itself, comprising of multiple generous dishes. The first course was a lovely soup. Seemed harmless enough. Then came course 2 which was a selection of dips, olives and butter beans in tomato and olive oil. All delicious. Then came mussels with chick peas and shaved coconut, zuchinni and chick peas with goats cheese and a large bowl of garlic mushrooms. OK, so even just these two were a huge meal in itself and we’re only up to course 3? Shit! I had stupidly worn tight pants to the restaurant, what a rookie mistake!

So after all this, course 4 comes out, consisting of SEVEN (albeit small, mezze size) dishes! Amazing Kingfish, ravioli, lentils, rice and salads. Oh dear lord I was full to bursting!

Of course you always have to leave room for dessert when you go to places like this! It was divine. The popcorn with salted caramel was my favourite. I loved how all the flavours combined when you ate the three layers of the dish all at once to create, and I’m sorry for saying this, a party in my mouth. And no you’re not invited!

The presentation of the dishes was beautiful, I especially loved the decorated tiles. You also leave with a parting gift, which I have in a box somewhere not yet unpacked. The service was impeccable, my only complaint (and it is a minor one) is that several times our conversation was interrupted so we could be told (at length) what each dish was, and where it came from. And yes I know we spent mere minutes mulling over the decision but thought it was a bit of an intrusion. Although it seems to be a growing trend so I’d probably do best to just get used to it.

Anyway, definitely recommend this place, get the banquet and come prepared. Eat very little during the day and wear loose clothing. I was in a food coma for several days after this one!

IZAKAYA DEN

114 Russell St, Melbourne VIC 3000
Ph (03) 9654 2977

Thank you, Izakaya Den!! Just when I am beginning to fade, thinking all bars are starting to look the same, I finally stumbled down the stairs and into Izakaya Den. It’s really, like, cool, but in a cool way, not, like, a pretentious way. My friend and I were seated at the bar, right in front of the grill, which was perfect because we could see all the action! We had a lovely waiter called Aki (short for Akira, like the movie) and the food was amazing.

Izakaya Den is surprisingly big, so even though they don’t take bookings we were seated straight away – on a Friday night too which was pretty cool. Although it’s easier to get a seat if you are in a small group of 2 or 3, as these groups can be seated at the bar. I think it would take longer if you had a large group. Oh and good to see a bit of a comeback of unisex toilets – probably works better in a restaurant than in a bar or club anyways!

Kingfish Sashimi (again – it seems as though this is the “in” dish right now) was good but not as good as Bar Lourinha’s, sorry guys. Baby potatoes with anchovy butter – score! And the tuna sashimi with wasabi mayo was to die for, as was the eggplant dish. Presentation was flawless, and the service was impeccable. Although I’m pretty sure the manager had the hots for my friend, but he did run down the street with my laptop bag (if I had a dollar for every time I’ve almost left that bloody thing in a bar on a Friday night…well I’d have, like $10..or something) which was definitely above and beyond the call of duty! I will definitely be going back for more. This place is awesome!

COOKIE

Level 1, 252 Swanston St (Curtin House), Melbourne VIC 3000
Ph (03) 9663 7660

Cookie is nice. Nice cocktails, good crowd, friendly staff. I’m not sure what more I can say! It’s a no-brainer.

CABINET BAR

11 Rainbow Alley, Melbourne VIC 3000

Cabinet bar is a cute little place on Swanston, however in true Melbourne style you enter from a rear laneway. The space is lovely, bar staff were delightful, and their signature cocktail (the name of which I tried to find out from my friend I was there with, she didn’t know, so I looked on their website, no cocktail menu!! So sorry about the name fail, it was very nice though..) is most definitely worth a try!

MELBOURNE SUPPER CLUB/SIGLO BAR

1st/161 Spring St, Melbourne VIC 3000
Ph (03) 9654 6300

From what I hear the Supper Club has been around for quite some time, dare I say “Melbourne Institution”?? The supper club is great. You can relax on a leather armchair on level 1, or enjoy the view of parliament house from the terrace. This is the perfect place for a nightcap and a cigar if you’ve been to see a show or just eaten at the top end of town. Drinks aren’t exactly cheap, but hey, it’s Melbourne and the Supper Club is definitely not the kind of place that do happy hours or 2-4-1 specials. The only food I’ve had there is the dip & bread, which is lovely, and the cocktails are well made. Definitely check it out.

GOLDEN MONKEY

389 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000
Ph (03) 9602 2055


I liiiike Golden Monkey. Downstairs on Hardware Lane, this cute little bar is nicely decorated and well laid out. Space is used well using screens to carve up cosy little corners and seating areas. Bar snacks are nice as are the staff. Doesn’t get overly crowded, so is perfect for Friday night drinks. Will definitely be a winter favourite.

BAR LOURINHA

37 Little Collins St, Melbourne VIC 3000
Ph (03) 9663 7890

Wow. Bar Lourinha is awesome! I ventured there with a couple of girlfriends after work on a weeknight. They don’t take bookings so unfortunately we had to wait around an hour for a table, during which time we polished off a bottle of wine. Oh dear. But anyway, the food was fantastic. Servings were generous and freakin’ delicious. The kingfish sashimi was my favourite. We also had a wonderful mushroom dish, chorizo and some amazing prawns. Apart from the wait time, Bar Lourinha is 1000% recommended.

EUROPEAN BIER CAFÉ

120 Exhibition St, Melbourne VIC 3000
Ph (03) 9663 1222

You know I am constantly baffled as to why any person under 40 (or 25, which most of the patrons of the European Bier Café are) would want to dance around to a cover band playing “Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again” or “Run to Paradise”! Did I suddenly teleport to the Bridgeway Hotel? Oh that’s right of course I didn’t, because bogans like eccies and David Guetta now and the Bridgeway has hard house nights…


Anyway I digress…you know when you’re having a bit of a night out, and you’ve already gone to a few places, but you feel like a dance but you’re not sure what to, and you move from place to place, and then you get to that point where you accept you’re just not going to arrive at the magical cool place you envision in your mind and decide to just go with the flow and have a good time? Well that’s what was going through my mind when I ended up at the European. Yes they had a cover band, the cover band played terrible music (they played one Hives song to show how ‘edgy’ and ‘alternative’ they were) and there were loads of very drunk people there (members of my group included) but meh, everyone was having fun. And you don’t want to be the too-cool-for-school person pouting in the corner because you don’t usually ‘do’ cover bands and ‘this isn’t my kind of place.’ No one likes that person!


The European also has really good drink specials. All night! So that alone is enough for a boozehag thumbs up, because maintaining my addiction isn’t cheap you know! Also it takes a lot to get kicked out of here…you can fall over on the dance floor whilst trying to sexy dance, fall over on the dance floor doing air guitar to the cover band, fall over on the dance floor pashing someone, just don’t pretend you’re going to wee off the balcony. THAT will get you kicked out!

THE LONG ROOM

162 Collins St, Melbourne VIC 3000
Ph (03) 9663 7226

Hmmm so I went here for a work drinks thing…as the Long Room isn’t the sort of place I would probably normally go to. It’s nice, good layout, nice couches etc, I think the clientele is just a little pretentious is all. Although it turns out they have Patrón here, which I was force fed by my manager. Yeah, totally had my arm twisted! Go here if your work is picking up the tab and get yourself a shot of Patrón!

CHARLIE’S BAR

Basement, 71 Hardware Lane, Melbourne VIC 3001
Ph (03) 9600 1454

Oh dear, it seems as though they are all starting to look the same. What am I going to do? Have a break? NEVER!!! So Charlie’s bar, hardware lane,down some stairs, blah blah blah, nice décor, cute division of space, personable bartenders. A good place to go for a pre-dinner drink, post-show discussion or cozy date.

SHANGHAI NOODLE HOUSE

15 Tattersalls Lane, Melbourne VIC 3000

So a group of us wandered in here after going to Camy’s, only to discover they were pushing that skanky, shite banquet on all their punters (who were still lining up in the rain for it – get a clue peoples!!). So, we thought, why not try this place, it looks allright doesn’t it? And we were very pleased.

They don’t serve alcohol, but do BYO, so we nipped down to Lt Bourke St and got a bottle of wine, and had some seriously tasty dumplings. The walls are decorated with brightly coloured pieces of cardboard which advertise specials and menu items, which I found cute. It reminded me a lot of some of the places in Adelaide’s Chinatown. The food was lovely and cheap. The waiter was very friendly, and we were not unceremoniously kicked out as soon as the last dumpling had passed our lips, like some other cheap Chinatown establishments! I’ve been there twice now, and both times had a great experience and ate lots of delicious dumplings. So if you wander down Tatersalls lane for Camy’s and either a) there is a line or b) it’s banquet only, go next door. You won’t regret it!

THE LOUNGE

Level 1, 243 Swanston St, Melbourne VIC 3000
Ph (03) 9663 2916

The Lounge is not a bad little bar. It’s looking a little tired and is not as trendy as some, but hey it’s down to earth and it doesn’t hit your wallet too hard either. The balcony give a nice view over Swanston St and they have good midweek specials. It’s a pretty large space too so could be good for meeting large groups etc, when you are concerned about everyone getting in or people having to line up because places are too full. Although I did go one Friday night for a glass of wine after dinner, and they tried to charge us to get in! We didn’t pay, of course, but the Lounge is not really the sort of place I will pay to get into!!

ROOFTOP BAR

Level 6, Curtin House, 252 Swanston St Melbourne VIC 3000
Ph (03) 9663 3596

The rooftop bar is a reliable old favourite. They always are playing cool music, and they have the best view of any of the rooftop bars in the city. During summer they play cult classic movies, setting up comfy deck chairs, and even providing blankets on colder summer nights. It’s a great place to go on a sunny Friday afternoon for a knock off. Also good for taking interstate visitors. Not so good in winter.

THE TOFF IN TOWN

Level 2, 252 Swanston St, Melbourne VIC 3000
Ph (03) 9639 8770
 
The Toff in Town, located at Curtin House – neverfail home of no less than 3 bars in one building! The Toff is cute, with nice little booths and a cute balcony. They do swing class here on Monday nights which is also fun. I like the way they have used their space and divided it up. Compulsory viewing.